Thursday, October 24, 2019

Batman and Robin (1997)

When I was in high school, I watched Batman and Robin instead of spending time with my mother when she needed it the most, and I will never live it down. When the ice skates came out, I wanted to kill myself.

This is the only movie I have ever felt guilty about watching, and it is not a guilty pleasure. Every childish scene is a slap in the face. It wastes your time. The Adam West Batman show had all-ages appeal. This is not that. This is shit. This is a reminder that comic book movies are shit and only reinforce the worst parts of American culture.

This is a scar on my memory that is not worth rehashing. Every cynical corporate decision to merchandise the toy Batmobile, the toy bat nipples, the toy Mr. Freeze that shoots ice cream out of its dick, it’s all garbage. There is no plot. There is no cultural significance beyond the merchandising. There is nothing in this movie other than a big pile of cheap plastic toys.

Batman and Robin…on ice! Yes, that’s a scene. To avoid homophobic remarks, I’ll just say that it looks rather “silly”, to say the least. Robin clicks his heels together and little ice skates pop out. Fuck this movie.

I have nothing against ice skating per se. The Trump ice park in New York is rather nice. However, it does not belong in a Batman movie. I take it back; it might make for a nice locale, maybe with a Joker or a Penguin. The ice in this “film” is not in Central Park, it’s an impromptu stage crafted by the flamboyant Mr. Freeze for merchandising rather than plot reasons. Bright fucking ice cream cones, or whatever the giant flamboyant fiberglass set decoration is supposed to be.

Fuck Batman. Fuck Robin. Fuck Warner Brothers. Fuck Joel Schumacher, the “director” of this disaster. This “movie” genuinely pisses me off enough to hate everyone involved. They’re all a bunch of (to avoid anti-semitic phraseology) sell-outs who would burn down your house for a dollar. “You want me to shove a Batarang up my ass? Yes, Mr. Schumacher, as long as the check clears!”

Though perhaps not as shit as this, all superhero movies are shit. They’re either made for retarded babies or “”"”"”"”"”"”"”"dark”"”"”"”"”"”"”"” and made for retarded adult babies. This isn’t the kind of thing I normally like to talk about, I just had to get it off my chest.