Friday, May 8, 2020

Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie (2014)

The title is terrible, and the source material is about as niche as it gets. I won’t deny that I am a fan of the source material, nor will I deny that I volunteered on the film’s massive VFX team. I found that environment overly formal and pretentious, like we were supposed to be making a real movie. I won’t assign blame to the VFX supervisor, who was only doing what he felt was best for his own career and the visual professionalism of the film.

But that’s the problem, isn’t it? AVGN was never Hollywood. It was a postmodernist gross-out series that made juvenile jabs at old video games, and that’s what everybody loved. Try to dress that up in a fresh coat of paint and you get something false.

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Saturday, May 2, 2020

Eragon (2006)

I try to avoid talking about over-hyped films, not because I hate those films but because the conversation there is overcrowded. A couple of masterpieces came out last year that I won’t talk about for that reason. For other reasons, I don’t have much to talk about with the films of this year. I can talk about the politics of the situation, but not the films because I haven’t seen any.

So let’s go back a few years to a film that I inevitably must tear into sooner or later. I have genuine difficulty saying negative things about films due to my appreciation of the medium, and I only really hate the ones that are both terrible and profitable. Eragon was fraud on a grand scale.

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Thursday, March 26, 2020

World War Z (2013)

I have a background in film, and was assisting with a streaming pilot before quarantine regulations put it on hold. We joked about Coronavirus on set, but nobody thought it would be treated as a pandemic. As a result, I have more time to put much-needed work into my indie game.

What I’m trying to say is that pandemics aren’t all that bad. I know it’s a different story for someone pissing blood in the hospital (no offense to those who get off on the insertion of foreign objects; just making a point), but I’m a naturally healthy and socially isolated individual, so pandemics don’t affect me as much. But in the movies, it’s always the end of the world for everyone.

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Thursday, October 24, 2019

Batman and Robin (1997)

When I was in high school, I watched Batman and Robin instead of spending time with my mother when she needed it the most, and I will never live it down. When the ice skates came out, I wanted to kill myself.

This is the only movie I have ever felt guilty about watching, and it is not a guilty pleasure. Every childish scene is a slap in the face. It wastes your time. The Adam West Batman show had all-ages appeal. This is not that. This is shit. This is a reminder that comic book movies are shit and only reinforce the worst parts of American culture.

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